Love Anarchy

Ep. 145- The Crossroads: Choosing to Stay or Go

• Andrea Atherton • Episode 145

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Have you ever found yourself at a crossroads within your relationship, wondering if the comfort of the known is worth the price of your happiness? Join me, Andrea Atherton, as we explore the complex terrain of love and commitment, where the decision to stay or seek new horizons can feel like an emotional tug-of-war. Our latest Love Anarchy podcast episode delves into the heart of what keeps people tethered to unfulfilling partnerships, shedding light on the shadows of personal history and the learned notions of love that often guide our hearts.

In a candid narrative woven around a client's struggle between her marriage vows and the pull of an affair, we probe the depths of self-understanding and desires that are foundational to any relationship. Together, we uncover the psychological snares of familial expectations and the allure of false security that can lead to a sense of entrapment. The episode is a call to courage, inviting listeners to embark on an introspective journey toward self-growth, armed with the inspiring wisdom of Maya Angelou that love should indeed set us free. So, snuggle in and lend your ear to a profound exploration of the reasons behind our relational choices and the possibility of a more authentic, liberated life through love.


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Speaker 1:

Welcome to the Love Anarchy podcast in the Relationship Rebellion, where we get deep about love, relationships and dating and we uncover the facets of a real, conscious love. I'm Andrea Atherton, your host, psychotherapist and mindful love coach, here with episode 145, solo episode, with me to talk about why it's so difficult to leave or make the decision about leaving a relationship. In this episode, I hope to answer the burning questions why do people stick around in relationships that aren't serving them or aren't working anymore? Relationships are so complicated and sometimes, even when things aren't going well, folks will find it so difficult to leave. It's such a big decision and sometimes this shouldn't be a decision that you make on your own. If you're finding you're going back and forth and you mull over these reasons why people stay, don't hesitate to schedule a clarity call with me at andreaathertoncom to really truly rule out if you should leave the relationship or dedicate yourself into bringing more intimacy and love into your connection. So, listeners, pull up a chair, snuggle up with your snuggle buddy, put your AirPods on, continue to clean the kitchen or turn us up on your car stereo as we dig in and uncover the insights into the complex world of relationships and human behavior and human behavior.

Speaker 1:

So, as we enter this topic, I want a little disclaimer here. I'm not going to be talking about why we stay in toxic relationships, but I'm going to embrace more of the unhappy, the unfulfilled relationship and why this is so complex, Because it brings in our childhood what we've learned about what love is. What are some of our personal dynamics? That is changing. Our values, our perceptions change. Well, how do we navigate this decision, whether it's us or it's the relationship, and does it have potential to bring happiness again? And, as many of you might know, relationships go through ups and downs, so how can we know if it's just a temporary down? What inspired me to make this podcast is so many clients come in and ask me what should I do? And while I can't make that decision, I have gone through the process with many, many clients in deciding and knowing what they want and who they are and if their partner is a good match and if there is a possibility for change in the relationship.

Speaker 1:

It reminds me of one very stark client that came in and she came in and sat on my couch and said okay, I need your help in deciding between this person and this person. So she went through a series of stressors outside of the relationship. She lost a job that she hadn't loved for a very long time and this brought on a lot of anxiety for her. So she went away and ended up being unfaithful, cheating on her husband of several years with her friend's brother. It was exciting. It was a great distraction from all her stressors with her work, great distraction from all her stressors with her work. But she didn't see it as that. She saw it as she needed to make a decision between one life or another. I looked right at her and I told her this has nothing to do with them and all to do with you. And while she didn't quite understand that at the beginning, this was such an opportunity for such beautiful transformation and knowing who she was, what she wanted and being able to commit to a relationship. She ends up she ditched the guy she was having an affair with, did this work and ended up reconciling with her husband.

Speaker 1:

While the ending for your story may not be the same, it is always such a great opportunity to reflect, and I'm going to go over some things that you may want to consider when evaluating your relationship. So many people are in unhealthy, unsatisfactory, unfilling relationships. I'm sure right now you have a sibling or friend or know somebody who is debating, leaving a relationship and sometimes listening or being a container for a friend going through. This may stimulate a need for you to evaluate your own relationship. The first thing to consider is a lack of understanding about what love is and how to maintain love. Unfortunately, many of us stay in unhealthy relationships because we haven't experienced genuine, unconditional love, and that may be in childhood or in past relationships. Without a frame of reference for healthy relationships and affection, people can settle for whatever semblance of love is presented to them, even if it's not satisfactory or unsatisfactory.

Speaker 1:

Personal growth Now. Imagine a child who grew up in a household with little affection, or affection that was scarce and conditional. They may not have experienced that warmth of genuine love or adult dynamics, and as they go through adulthood they gravitate toward relationships that mimic patterns of their family, even those relationships that are toxic. An example is they might stay with a partner who belittles them because they mistakenly believe this is how love is expressed. Another example of this unconscious behavior is when someone unconsciously chooses to be with someone who they feel loves them more than they love them, loves them more than they love them. This is an act of control and a way to save them from hurting if the relationship ends, and this power dynamic would keep them from feeling or being abandoned.

Speaker 1:

Another reason why people may stay in relationships is feelings of unworthiness. Deep-seated feelings of being inadequate can leave individuals to accept mistreatment because they don't believe they deserve any better. They don't feel they deserve love any better. They don't feel they deserve love. The lack of self-worth is a cycle of accepting less than they deserve in relationships. Consider this scenario a person who struggles with low self-esteem because their father left them when they were young, and they always blame themselves. They internalize the belief that they are unworthy of love and respect and this leads to tolerance of bad behavior. For instance, they might stay with somebody who emotionally manipulates them because that pain is better than having them leave like their father did.

Speaker 1:

Next up is fear. Fear plays a huge role in keeping people trapped in unhealthy connections. Fear of being alone, being judged, fear of the unknown is paralyzing, making it difficult to leave unsatisfactory relationships. Consider these Fear of loneliness the thought of facing life without a champion and a support partner leads to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Fear of change we all have some of that. Leaving a relationship might be stepping into the great unknown, adjusting to new circumstances, which evokes fear of change and uncertainty about your future. There is fear of social stigma. This is personal to me. When I was going through my divorce years and years ago, I remember struggling to tell people that I was divorcing or separated because I was embarrassed. What other people would think. Singer, separated because I was embarrassed what other people would think. There is fear of hurting that other person that you obviously care about. There's fear of financial instability. There's fear of starting over. Building a new life without the familiar and without the routines of relationships can be intimidating and the fear of starting over can create doubts of one's ability to live independently. Another fear that arises that I've seen with my clients is fear of creating new dreams like the ones they created with their partner.

Speaker 1:

Another reason why we might stay in a relationship is having a misconception that love is hard and familiarity with feeling pain when it comes to love. We hold misconceptions about love and relationships and believing that love should be difficult and require constant sacrifice. This belief can lead them to tolerating unhealthy patterns in the name of love. Individuals may become accustomed to pain and dysfunction in their relationships, viewing it as normal and inevitable. This familiarity can make it challenging to imagine life without it, especially if it was a part of your family of origin. If it was a part of your family of origin. Another facet to this is that people believe that relationships should be dramatic and passionate, like the relationship portrayed in movies or on TV shows. Instead of seeing them as red flags, this conflict and volatility can be seen as passion versus toxicity.

Speaker 1:

Put your feet in somebody else's shoes, somebody who grew up in a dysfunctional family where conflict and abuse were commonplace. As they enter adulthood, they may gravitate toward relationships that mirror the chaos they're familiar with, and this can be a very unconscious choice. They gravitate toward a feeling that is comfortably uncomfortable, and if they're accustomed to chaos, they're going to recreate that or choose a partner who will create that in the current relationship. And when somebody's nervous system is accustomed to this, a healthy quote unquote. Normal relationship will seem very boring.

Speaker 1:

When considering leaving a relationship that isn't working any longer, there may be a perceived lack of options. Some individuals might feel trapped in unhealthy relationships because they don't see a way out. The idea of leaving can seem so daunting and overwhelming. Perhaps they have friends who are single, who are trying to date in the online dating climate and are struggling. Maybe they see friends who have divorced and their relationship has fallen apart. This is often common with people who get married and don't nurture other relationships with family or friends. This really is a lack of resources and an over-dependence on your spouse or your significant other. The word lack is really important here. They fear lack of a support network of family and friends, or they feel lack in financial stability. This perceived lack of options can make them feel stuck, even if they are significantly unhappy, and feel trapped in a relationship.

Speaker 1:

The next one is a huge one when it comes to anything, when it comes to making a decision or creating a change. This is investment of time and effort. The investment of years in a relationship can make it difficult for individuals to walk away, even when it becomes clear that the relationship is unhealthy or that it's come to a place where it's no longer serving as growth for each partner. It's called the sunk cost fallacy, and this can lead them to believe they should continue to invest in a relationship despite the negative impact on their well-being. This is often common with people who say if there's love, then there's hope. Or if we work really hard, we can make it work. Work really hard, we can make it work.

Speaker 1:

I've seen couples who have put so much work into their partner in many years investing a significant amount of time and effort into the relationship couples retreats, therapy, vacations and maybe even things that are outside themselves, like buying a new house, making more money or creating a higher status for themselves. This is especially common with people who are perfectionist or really fear any kind of failure or loss. It makes it a struggle to walk away and even when the relationship is blatantly unhealthy, they don't want to admit that they wasted time or they have failed. This relates to people who are unwilling to embrace failure or take a risk in trying something different because they've invested so much of themselves and so much time. The desire for security and comfort and relationships can create that security and comfort, or they can create just the opposite insecurity and lack of comfort, and sometimes even distress.

Speaker 1:

Some individuals may prioritize this kind of stability, security and safety over their own happiness and personal well-being. They may stay in an unhealthy relationship because they fear the uncertainty of being alone or the daunting task of starting over by oneself. This reminds me of one client in particular, but several clients that I have worked with who finally admitted not trusting they can decide for themselves or rely on themselves, and this brings up so much fear and insecurity about doing it alone that these people overlook and tolerate and tell themselves stories that aren't true about the relationship so they can feel secure and safe. But this defers all responsibility off into your partner, some who may not even be capable of handling responsibility for not only themselves, but for the individual as well. I'm hoping, as you listen to the sum of these, even if your relationship isn't in question, just to check in with yourself about these particular issues that come in, about fear of change, fear about self-trust and fear about changes in a relationship, and change is the only thing that does stay consistent.

Speaker 1:

While this is no means a way to shame anybody or look down on anybody, ending a relationship shouldn't be a thing that you just do sporadically or without thought, reflection or consideration, and I think it's such a great time for inner exploration and looking at how you can better the relationship and create more health and growth into it. We should always be self-reflective, introspective with ourselves in making subtle changes in our lives to change the rudder, the direction slightly that we're going so we can meet our new growth and our new goals in life. And our new goals in life, we should always be willing to take some risks, to be vulnerable for change and always focus on self-growth. Sometimes, relationship is the best mirror for things that you need to see about yourself. So not me or anyone else should make the decision about your relationship except for you.

Speaker 1:

This is about always honoring yourself and your personal path that you are meant to walk on in life, in the words of Maya Angelou. In the words of Maya Angelou, love liberates. It doesn't just hold. That's ego. Love liberates. If you're in Harlem, I love you. I would like to be near you, I'd like to have your arms around me, I'd like to hear your voice in my ear, but that's not possible now. So I love you. Go, maya Angelou. What about you? What do you think about your relationship? Here's the bind Is it worth giving up on your path and giving up on yourself, your happiness, your peace of mind, your security, safety and comfort? Know that we should all look at our relationships. We should all hold them up to the light to see if they and you are the best that you can be, namaste, stay.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, listeners, for listening in with us on the Love Anarchy podcast in the Relationship Rebellion, where we get deep about love, relationships and dating and we uncover the facets of real, conscious love. I'm Andrea Atherton, your host, signing off, but before I do, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening in with us, because I know you have a myriad of podcasts in which you can listen to. If you want to join the Love Anarchy community, you can find us Love Anarchy Podcast on Facebook. Please download the episode, subscribe so you are the first to know when a new episode is dropped, and don't forget to tell your friends so they can listen too. If you're interested in learning more about my personal therapy and coaching services, you can find me at AndreaAthertoncom. Feel free and ask any questions on the contact page or sign up for a clarity call with me and see if we're a good fit to work together. I'm going to leave you with my favorite, short but sweet quote Love is the only true power.